I'm Lying Again
by simmerdown17
Summary: Carlos and I have been friends for years. He's helped me through a rough break up but does he still think of me as just a friend? Rated M for language and future sexual situations.
1. Chapter 1

"I have a date."

My best friend Carlos twisted around on the couch, away from his favorite TV program, to lock my eyes with a concerned gaze. His eyebrows were furrowed and he was doing that lip-biting thing he always did when he wanted to disagree with me. It was probably more intense than he meant it to be because my cheeks flushed and I looked away.

"Shit, Lace, I'm sorry," he said, standing and placing a hand on my arm, leaning down and catching my eyes again, coaxing me to look back at him. "I didn't mean it like—just—are you sure that's such a good idea?"

I sighed and flopped down on the couch. I'd recently gotten out of a very messy long distance relationship. It'd been six months since the break up but Brady had really fucked me up. Everything came rushing back.

_"Baby, we need to talk," said Brady, one night over skype._

_ "Sure, what's up, babe?" _

_He ran his fingers through his hair, seemed a little annoyed. I was silent. I couldn't deal with him when he got agitated. "We've been together awhile now."_

"_Eight months tomorrow," I reminded him with a huge smile. He sighed._

"_Yeah," he continued. "Well, I've been thinking…"_

"_Thinking…that…?" I prodded. He leaned back in his chair, carding his fingers through his hair once more and I knew he was getting aggravated._

"_I can't do this anymore. I can't stand not getting to see you, kiss you….touch you."_

"_Well, there's nothing I can do about that. You know I'm saving up to come see you over Spring Break!"_

"_That's not the point!" He threw his hands in the air and I knew I was in for it now. "Lacey, I just can't do this anymore. I need you to be here or to not be in my life." Tears sprang to my eyes._

"_W-what?"_

"_Honey." _

_NO, NO, NO, THIS IS NOT ALRIGHT, I thought, trying to hold the tears in._

"_Sweetheart."_

"_I need to go," I choked out, and hit the end call button. I laid there, hugging my knees for what seemed like hours, and the tears never stopped. I looked at the clock. 3am. I really needed him, though. So with shaking fingers, I pressed the call button._

"'_Ello?" I let out a ragged breath. "Lace, hun, what's wrong."_

"_Carlos," I whispered. "I need you."_

_Fifteen minutes later, there was a knock on the door. I opened it and a disheveled Carlos wrapped me in his arms._

"_Shhhh, baby," he cooed as I cried into his shoulder. Scooping me up in his arms, he carried me to the bedroom and laid me in bed. He sat on the computer chair and held my hand._

"_Please," I begged. "I need you." He unzipped his hoodie and discarded it on the chair and crawled under the covers with me. His sweatpants felt soft against my bare legs and with his arms around me I almost forgot about what had happened. A wave of exhaustion hit me hard and I snuggled into Carlos. "Thank you, Los." _

_He was silent but just before I drifted off to sleep I heard him murmur, "I love you."_

Coming back to reality, I realized Carlos was staring at me, slouched next to me on the couch, stroking my hair. The weight of his hand on my head was nice, but, though he was a decent distance away, the heat radiating from his body was far too hot.

"Oh," I said, scooting back from him on the pretense of sitting up straight. "Sorry."

"'Salright," he replied, withdrawing his hand. "You looked like you needed a moment." I smiled. He knew me so well. One of the reasons we'd become and stayed such close friends was this patience—he knew how to handle me. He'd learned early. Like the time James kept pushing me and pushing me, insisting he was teasing, and I'd given him a black eye. Never once did I even get annoyed with Carlos. He knew when to push and when to give me my space. I sighed again.

"He's not Brady, Los." Saying his name still felt like a knife to the stomach but I didn't let on. I locked Carlos in a firm gaze. His eyes darted back and forth, concern lines etched in his forehead, searching my face. I shivered. Sometimes when he did that, I couldn't breathe. He can read me like a book. Good thing I've never tried to lie to him. When he seemed satisfied, a wide smile split his face, and he began bouncing up and down.

"Well then, well then, Miss Lacey." He reached out and tapped the tip of my nose with his index finger playfully, bringing a smile to my face as I swatted at his hand. "Do tell."

So I gushed to him about the tall, dark and handsome British Literature major I'd met when our orders were switched at the coffee cart. Carlos smiled and nodded his approval.

"So when is this little shindig going down?"

"Saturday." His face fell. "Oh, Los, I know we were supposed to hang out, but—" He holds up his hand to silence me.

"No, no, Lace, it's fine. We can hang out any time. You have," he wiggled his eyebrows and affected his 'sexy' voice, "a date." He leaned forward and hugged me. I inhaled his familiar spicy scent, feeling completely at home.

"I love you," I said into his neck. I thought I felt him stiffen the slightest bit, but maybe I imagined it. "You're the best." He pulled away and turned his attention back to his show.

"Love you, too, Spacey Lacey," he said.

Smiling at the nickname, I pulled my legs up, rested my chin on my knees, and joined him in watching the sitcom. Without even realizing it, my gaze came back to rest on Carlos' profile. He laughed at a joke and I considered the slight dimples that appeared on his cheek and the way his eyes almost close when he smiles.

"Take a picture, hun. It'll last longer," he joked without even looking at me.

"Oh, shut up." I chucked a pillow at his head and he dodged it deftly.

"Well, why were you staring at me?"

"I was just thinking…"

"Dangerous," he mumbled.

"—that," I forged forward, pinching his arm. "you should ask Adrienne to hang out."

Carlos grumbled and started to protest at the suggestion. Carlos hadn't had a girlfriend the whole time we'd been friends. He'd taken girls out on a couple of dates but it never seemed to work out. The more I thought about it, the more strange it seemed. Carlos was a sweet, fun guy. I couldn't understand why he didn't have a serious girlfriend. And Adrienne, who worked at a deli close to set where the boys and I often got lunch, seemed perfect for him.

"What?" I shrugged. "Instead of spending the night alone and bored. She's so into you, bro."

"Meh." He rolled his eyes, looking at the TV. I pulled on his arm to make him look back at me.

"I don't understand. You never want to hang out with girls." He scoffed, mumbling something like "Do too!" I continued, "She's fun and hilarious. Not to mention gorgeous. And she totally wants you." I looked him in the eye with mock seriousness. "I don't think you should be so picky."

"I'm not being picky," he insisted, casting his gaze around for something to distract him. He let out a heavy breath. "I just….she's not my type."

"Not your type?" I didn't believe it for one second. "So you like the boring, homely type, is that it? What do you mean?"

Before Carlos can answer, a flash of blonde and a woosh of air announced Kendall's arrival as he vaulted over the back of the couch and landed between us. Grabbing the remote, he changed the channel to some crime show.

"He means," Kendall trilled in a sing song-y voice, "that she's not you." My eyes shot to Carlos and he grabbed the remote back, ignoring Kendall's comment. It's the moment before that which caught me off guard. He was beet red, looking at me with eyes that want. But then it was gone and, God, I must have imagined it again. I shook it off.

"You're an asshole, Kendall," I said. "You know Carlos and I are just friends."

"Nice to see you, too, bitch," he replied, pecking me on the cheek. I thought I saw Carlos redden again. Kendall turned to Carlos. "For real, though, man. Why don't you give her a chance? She really likes you."

Defeated, Carlos sighed. "Fine. I'll ask her after work tomorrow!"

Kendall held out a fist for me to bump. Him and I together were always able to win over Carlos. He sometimes called us the Dirty Dos because we could pretty much get him to do anything he didn't really want to do.

"Me and Lace win. Now can we find Logan and James and get something to eat?"


	2. Chapter 2

I woke up unusually early on Saturday morning. I looked at my pile of homework and decided not to kid myself that any of it would get done before my date, so instead, I showered and went over to see Carlos.

James answered the door, sweaty from his morning kickboxing routine. Kendall was behinf him in the kitchen, tying his sneakers. I stepped inside.

"Just about to head out for a run," said James. "I don't think Carlos is up yet."

"Roped Kendall into it, I see." I flicked Kendall on the arm and tried to duck out of the way but he got me in a playful headlock and kissed my cheek.

"Hey now," he said, sounding offended. "I work out!" James and I both scoffed.

"You're blessed with good metabolism," James corrected him. While Kendall was distracted by James, I took the opportunity to elbow him in the side and wiggle free from his grasp. He gripped his side and let out a pained gasp but before he could get at me again, I waved goodbye and high-tailed it up the stairs to Carlos' room.

I burst in and bounced over to his bed.

"Wake up, sleepy head!"

Carlos groaned and rolled over to face me. I smiled obnoxiously in his face and kissed the tip of his nose before pushing my way onto the bed next to him. Grabbing the remote on his bedside table, I settled against the headboard, crossed my ankles and turned on VH1…..loudly. Carlos pulled his pillow out from under his head and instead wrapped it around the back of his head. I head a muffled voice from under the pillow earmuffs.

"What was that?" I giggled. He removed the pillow and looked groggily up at me.

"Are you for real right now, Lacey?"

"Yes, I sure am, Carlitos, but if you're gonna be rude, I'm not making breakfast." His eyebrows shot up and he took my hand in both of his.

"Oh, Spacey Lacey! Have I ever told you how perfect and wonderful and beautiful you are?" I laughed, deciding to let him continue to grovel.

"Not today you haven't."

"Well," he said, sitting up. "You are kinda awesome. Not gonna lie, you're, like, the best thing to ever happen to me." He really didn't sound like he was groveling anymore. "Besides being a great friend, you're honestly the most beautiful girl I know." His face was much too close to mine. Why couldn't I breathe? "Inside and out." He seemed out of breath as he finished and we stayed like that, his heavy exhalations hitting my lips and making them tingle for much longer than I was comfortable.

"OKAY!" I said, much more loudly than was necessary. "Pancakes and bacon coming right up." And with that, I jumped out of bed and all but fled from the room. When I reached the kitchen, I gripped the counter top with white knuckles until my breathing returned to normal.

"Hey, Lace," said Logan from the table, looking over his morning paper. I hadn't even noticed him sitting there. "You okay?"

"What? Oh. Oh, um, yeah. Yeah. I'm fine." I straightened up and smoothed the front of my shirt. "I'm about to make pancakes. You want some?"

"Sure!" he replied enthusiastically. My pancakes are something of a legend around here. He took a sip from his mug. "There's coffee in the pot if you want some."

"Oh, thank God." As I poured the coffee, my hands shook. Taking deep breaths, I tried to calm myself and for God's sake, stop repeating in my head what had almost just happened upstairs. And most importantly try to ignore the fact that I was so rattled. WHY was I so rattled because of it?

As the first pancakes were finishing cooking in the skillet, Carlos entered the kitchen pulling a purple vneck over head head. My breath caught in my throat as his chest and stomach disappeared beneath the fabric. This was stupid. I needed to control myself. _I'm just hyped up on nerves_, I lied to myself. He smiled, a bit red in the cheeks, and hopped up on the counter next to the stove. His legs swung off the counter as he took a sip of my coffee and sighed. I could feel him staring at me, even as he exchanged good mornings with Logan. His intense stare turned my cheeks red as if his eyes were actual flames.

Okay, this was ridiculous. Carlos was my best friend. I had to stop over thinking this. So I took a deep breath, mentally steadying myself and then looked right at him. I almost couldn't handle the heavy brown eyes that met mine. He was running me over like a train and oh, God, this had to stop. So I smiled and handed him a plate. He looked at it and when he looked back at me, the train was replaced with a merry-go-round. I breathed an inner sigh of relief. He was never allowed to look at me like that ever again.

"PANCAKE SPIDER!" he cheered. I had put two pancakes on top of each other in the middle of the plate and stuck eight pieces of bacon out, four on each side, so it looked like a tasty arachnid.

"Your favorite," I replied. He jumped off the counted and kissed me on the cheek before rushing to shoe Logan the edible creature. My fingers subconsciously came up to touch where he's kissed me. It was strangely numb. I shook my head, filled two more plates, and brought them to the table for Logan and I. Logan folded his paper and rolled his eyes at Carlos who was already halfway through his messy meal. I shrugged, and began cutting my pancakes.

"He really is seven years old sometimes."

When it came time to go over to Hunter's for the date, I got really nervous. I was fidgeting and tapping my feet and drumming my fingers in a dissonant rhythm against my thighs. Suddenly, Carlos' hand stilled my fingers against my leg.

"You're gonna be fine," he said. "Listen. I'm going to pck up Adrienne from work. How about I take your car, because, honestly, I don't think you should be driving right now. You'd probably get distracted, let's be honest." I laughed because he was totally right. "I'll drop you at Hunter's on the way."

"Have I ever told you how great you are?"

He smirked.

"Not today you haven't."


	3. Chapter 3

Hunter was an absolute gentleman. He welcomed me into his apartment, offered me a drink and we fell into easy, pleasant conversation. After awhile, he suggested we grab dinner at the mom and pop Italian restaurant around the corner. As we stepped outside, he took my hand. Surprised, I almost pulled my hand from his grasp, but decided the contact was not unwelcome.

Throughout the meal, I learned about his parents and his little sister. "She means the world to me," he said. I melted. After the superb meal and a couple drinks, I felt warm, happy, and tired. More than a little tipsy, we made our way back to his apartment. On the threshold, he kissed me wetly. Again, I was surprised, but tipsy enough to kiss back. Being starved of romantic male attention for months in addition to alcohol clouded my judgment. I didn't move this fast. Ever. Brady and I hadn't kissed until we'd been together for six or seven weeks. Call me prude or old fashioned, but I had never kissed on a first date, and I didn't know why I was starting now. Hunter aggressively pushed his body against mine but I pushed him off gently. We were both drunk; it wasn't only my judgment that was clouded.

He suggested we watch a movie.

"I'm game," I said, slurring slightly. Fuck, I didn't mean to get this drunk. Looking back over the evening, I tried to count how many drink I'd had, but my fuzzy brain wouldn't let me get passed two.

He put on a movie and turned out the lights. When he sat down, I snuggled into his side. We sat in silence for awhile until I felt his hand rubbing my inner thigh. When the fuck had he made that move? I shifted away, crossing my legs so he couldn't put his hand on me. He seemed to take the hind, draping his arm over my shoulder instead. I hadn't realized I'd been holding my breath until I breathed out a sigh of relief. As the movie ended, Hunter didn't make a move to turn on the lights. Instead, he sat there, staring at me, although I wasn't sure what for; it was so dark that all I could see was his silhouette. He kept staring and my face grew hot. I shifted uncomfortably.

All of a sudden, Hunter was coming at me, kissing me wetly once more. Still half-drunk, my reaction time was off. I whipped my head back and gasped out his name harshly. What I meant as a reproach, he took as a moan. His lisps latched onto my neck and he had my wrists in his hands, tugging them down. He was on top of me now, his heavy weight holding me in place.

"Stop," I said. He sucked harder.

"No," I said. He bit down on my collarbone.

"Hunter, STOP." Tears were welling up in my eyes and I was fighting against his hands, his weight on me. He released one of my wrists and I thought it was over, but then I felt him lean back, shifting so he could unbutton my jeans. I writhed up against him as he shoved his hand down my pants. I did not feel in the least bit drunk anymore. "I said, NO," I screamed at him, tears streaming down my cheeks. I took advantage of him being off balance and pushed him off of me. He landed with a thud on the floor in front of the couch and I grabbed my bag from the coffee table, running for the door and never looking back.

I ran down the block and around the corning, searching blindly in my bag for my keys. I stopped in a convenience store parking lot.

"Shit." Carlos still had my car. I leaned back on the wall, letting my head fall back against the brick and took deep breaths, gulping air into my lungs. I pulled my phone out of my pocket. I hadn't realized it was so late, nearly 2am. There was a text from Carlos telling me to text him when I needed picked up. I pressed my eyes shut and sank to the ground. I couldn't deal with anything Carlos related right now. Best friend or not, there was something uncomfortable about seeing him right now. I knew it was stupid. He was probably worried. He would want to be here, to take care of me. But, fuck, I couldn't handle anymore emotions right now.

So when I pressed the call button, I was breathing in, out, thinking very hard about each movement, fearing that if I didn't, I'd stop altogether.

"Hey, Lace, what's up? I thought you were on a date with—"

"Kendall," I choked out.

"W-what's wrong? Oh, God, Lacey, are you okay?"

"Kendall, everything's so fucked up." A sob escaped my lips before I could stop it. I couldn't breathe. In, out, I told myself. Don't stop, don't stop.

"Lacey, sweetheart." His voice was laced with panic under his forced calm. "Where are you? I'm coming to get you." I heard him mumble hurriedly to someone in the background.

"Where are you?" I asked. "I didn't mean to interrupt anything."

"Jesus Christ, baby." I could hear the disbelief in his voice. "Don't worry about it. I'm at the studio with Dustin. Just tell me where the fuck you are."

Ten minutes later, I heard a car pull up, a door slam. I didn't look up. Kendall's arms wrapped around me and I started crying again. He pulled back and looked me right in the eyes. His eyebrows were raised slightly, pulled together in the middle making his eyes the saddest I'd ever seen them.

"What happened, Lacey?" There was a relief and urgency in his voice that shouldn't have worked together. I was fascinated by his lips, the way they moved when he said my name, the peachy pink that was accentuated as he ran an impatient tongue over them. "Lacey," he repeated. I reached out and touched his lips. He didn't move.

"I told him to stop and he didn't." Kendall's eyes filled with concern and darkened with anger. His lips moved against my fingers.

"Did he—?"

"No, no," I brought my arm back to hug myself. "I-I pushed him off before….but, shit, Kendall…" My voice cracked and I trailed off.

"Shhhh, hun," he whispered into my ear and brushed his lips across my cheek. "Let me take you home." Before I could stand, Kendall scooped me up in his arms. I chuckled despite myself.

"I can walk."

"I know," he said simply. Dustin held the back door open as Kendall put me in and climbed in next to me. He and Dustin shared a silent look that said they would discuss this later. He put his arms around me and cradled my head. Kendall's thumbs ran across my cheeks, drying the reddened skin beneath my eyes, then laid his head against mine as we drove.

Kendall and I had always been affectionate friends, but being in his arms like this felt different and though I thought I couldn't handle feelings right now….these, though new and barely formed….these were okay.

The car slowed in front of my apartment building and I dug for my keys and for the second time that night, I came up empty.

"Fuck," I mumbled. Kendall looked at me, confused. "Carlos has my car and my house keys are with my car keys."

"It's fine," said Kendall. "You can sleep in my bed. I'll take the couch." I looked up at him and I can honestly say, at that moment, I had never been happier to be his friend. I just hugged him tighter.

When we arrived back at the boys' house, Kendall took my hand and led me inside. Everything was quiet. Carlos wasn't waiting up. In fact, he was nowhere to be found. As tired as I was, it stung deeply that he'd forgotten about me. Or didn't care. Which hurt even worse.

Kendall led me to his room, went over to his dresser and pulled out a white vneck and athletic shorts. As he handed them to me, he said, "I'm going to get you some water. Are you hungry?" I shook my head, and changed quickly when he left. I shivered and got quickly into bed. I rubbed at my wrists, where Hunter had held them. They were starting to bruise and I had to fight to urge to cry again.

I distracted myself by looking around Kendall's room. I had never been in here before. It was small and cozy. His bed was under the two windows on the longest wall, farthest from the door, and beside it was a nightstand with a book and an empty glass laid upon it. Across the room, diagonally from the bed, was a little alcove in which Kendall housed his instruments. Two guitars sat shiny in their stands. His keyboard was turned out, sheet music set out like he'd been writing recently. Huge headphones were plugged into the keyboard and hanging off the music stand. Beyond that was his dresser, the top of which was littered with picture upon picture in frames of all shapes and sizes. Featured rather prominently was one of him and I at my university's homecoming football game two years previously. Decked out in school colors and wearing eye black, he was grasping me by the waist, lifting me off my feet and I was screaming with glee, my braids swinging wildly. I smiled at the memory and snuggled down into his warm bed.

Just then, Kendall came back through the door carrying two bottles of water and two Advil. He came over and sat on the edge of the bed, handing me first the pills and then the water. I took the Advil obediently and sighed, leaning my head back against the headboard, making my hair shift. I heard a sharp intake of breath, and looked over at him. He was staring at my neck. I brought a hand up to cover the bruise Hunter had left there and on my collarbone.

A strange, strangled noise escaped his throat as he reached out and took my hand away. His gaze on mine was soft and sweet. I wasn't nervous or embarrassed as he bought his head down and kissed my wrist where it was starting to purple. Then he dipped his head, bangs brushing against my cheek as he pressed his lips lightly against my other marks. There was nothing sexual about it. It was not uncomfortable. He was merely telling me in his own way that they didn't matter, that I was still Lacey, that I was still worthy of love and friendship. As he came back up to face me, he smiled sheepishly.

"Thank you." It was earnest and heartfelt. I pointed at his dresser. "I saw you have that picture of us." He flushed a little and went over to get it.

"I love this picture." He was smiling wider than I'd ever seen him smile before. "You know," he said. "Right after this was taken, you kissed me for the first time." My heart caught in my throat. I didn't remember that. I didn't keep track of when I kissed Kendall. Why had he been keeping track? When had this happened? He seemed to be letting me in on little secrets of him. And I liked it. I liked it a lot. He got up and returned the picture to his dresser.

"Well, I guess I should let you get some rest." He turned to go. Everything raced through my mind, everything he'd done and said today and how it was like seeing a whole new viewpoint of something I already loved and holy shit I needed him to stay.

"Kendall." He froze, his hand on the doorknob. "Please stay." And I couldn't believe how much I wanted to be in his arms. What was this? I didn't try to fight it. I was too confused and exhausted and hurt. By Hunter, by Carlos. And the idea of Kendall felt so concrete, and just, yes, please.

He turned off the light and came over, sitting on the edge of the bed again.

"I'll sit here until you fall asleep," his voice was stiff. I reached out and touched my fingers lightly to his. His whole body tensed.

"No, Kendall. Please." I was scared by how much need was in my voice. I still couldn't tell why I wanted him near me. I couldn't say I _wanted_ him, but I was so curious and intrigued by the way he'd been treating me, talking to me. Maybe he'd always been this way, and now I was finally seeing it? Moving so slowly, it burned, he lifted the covers and slipped in next to me. I didn't move, but slowly he came towards me as if giving me time to stop him. My brain screamed at him to hurry, but outwardly I continued to stare at him. He stared right back, his arms finally winding their way around me and it felt like sinking into a warm bath.

Our eyes were still locked, me wondering what he wanted, what he was thinking, felling, when he'd started this, him full of timidity, afraid of doing too much, terrified of misreading me. Thank God he wasn't Carlos or he'd know that I didn't know what the fuck to think. Thinking about Carlos brought back the sting of his forgetting me, or him not caring. So this stalemate between Kendall and I ended as I surged forward and captured his lips in mine. Oh God, what what _what_ was I doing? It ended as abruptly as it began. Kendall's eyebrows were doing this adorable little shocked raise.

"What was that?" It was barely audible and he was shaking slightly.

"I-I don't know." I was completely calm. Why wasn't I freaking out? He was looking at me, and then again at my lips. This time, it was him who kissed me and I still didn't know what was happening. When we parted, I snuggled into his neck. I couldn't look at him, knowing he'd want an explanation.

An explanation I didn't have.


	4. Chapter 4

I woke up the next morning to three unwelcome things: a headache, a veracious thirst, and a warm body entangled in my arms. Okay, so I'm lying. It was only two unwelcome things. My cheeks flushed as I realized I was nearly on top of Kendall. I was hugging his torso, my head resting near his hear, and the rhythmic rising and falling of his chest was comforting. My left leg was thrown over both of his and his right arm gripped my back even in his sleep. Though I never thought in a million years I'd wake up in this position, I wasn't upset at all.

I propped my chin on his chest and watched his face as he slept, replaying the events of last night in my head from when he'd picked me up until now. A small smile played at the corners of his lips, as if he was watching the movie in my head, too. I still wasn't sure what this was, but I wanted to test the waters. I wasn't freaked out or scared like I was when I'd almost kissed Carlos, but I wasn't all butterflies and lightheadedness like I had been with Brady.

My dry throat dragged me out of my thoughts. Trying not to wake Kendall, I reached for the bottle of water on his nightstand. I came up an inch or so short. I tried rolling over him to grab it. Just as I seized it, his eyes fluttered open. I was now completely on top of him and his cheeks flushed. I bit my lip and looked at him through my eyelashes.

"Uh," he cleared his throat awkwardly. "Good morning." I made no play to move from his chest, instead chugging the water and throwing the empty bottle in the direction of the trashcan. I smiled as he looked down his nose at me. At this angle, his eyes had to sort of cross a little to look directly at me. I rolled partially off of him, regarding him with my head resting on my fist. He leaned forward and brushed out noses together. His breath was quick and warm. He nudged my nose again, silently asking if last night still existed.

"Kendall, listen." He swallowed, his Adam's apple bobbing, and ran his tongue along his lips. "I want to make sure we're clear about this—as clear as we can be because I have no idea wht the fuck this is—but I know that I want to test this out, honestly let what happens happens, because I've never been in this kind of situation before."

I waited for him to speak. He looked at his hand playing with my fingers in between us, his breath still coming in little bursts. He opened his mouth to speak and then closed it again. The thought of Kendall as vulnerable was strange, almost unfathomable, but it turned me on to him even more. Finally, he looked up at me and took a deep breath.

"Honestly, Lace, I don't know what the fuck to think. But I really like you. A lot. And what happened last night—" I didn't let him finish. For some reason, I didn't want to hear his thoughts on last night. Less feelings, please, more action.

Kissing Kendall was…nice. He was slow and soft and smiled a lot against my lips. And it felt safe. I wasn't really sure a kiss was supposed to feel safe but right now that's just what I needed. It was cute and hesitantly eager and I felt a tingling at the base of my stomach when he murmured my name into my mouth and okay, I could definitely get used to this.

We lay, arms around each other in his bed, our faces only inches apart and I surveyed his face. Part of his bangs hung down and covered his big expressive eyebrows and I wondered how I'd never realized how well they framed his eyes. His green eyes hand flecks of yellow and blue that I had missed before and each individual prism seemed to radiate light. His cheeks were slightly flushed, a soft rose covering a smattering of pale freckles I'd never noticed before across his cheekbones. As he blinked languidly, his long eyelashes brushed lightly against the freckles and for one absurd moment, I was afraid they would be brushed away. The freckles trailed across the bridge of his nose and a few scragglers wound their way down its curve and one single, tiny freckle dotted the very tip. I smiled softly seeing this and the corners of his lips turned up in response. My gaze followed the smile across his mouth and I took in every line of his lips, the unique peachy color deepened and sweetened from our kissing.

I reached out my fingers and trailed them over his cheekbones, his eyelashes tickling me as he closed his eyes at the touch. My fingers crept tenderly down his nose and landed once again on his lips, the pads of my fingers dusting over the soft skin. His eyes open now, Kendall pressed a kiss to each of my fingertips. I shivered. I wasn't sure how my feelings for him had done a complete 180 in the last 10 minutes but this didn't feel safe anymore.

He leaned in, closing the gap between us and for a moment, just one fraction of a second before our lips met, I thought about Carlos, about holding him, kissing him. And then Kendall was working his lips against mine and I felt a tug behind my heart and oh, fuck, this was so not safe anymore.

But I was tired of being safe. I kind of liked this reckless feeling. Experimentally, I tongued at his lips. He moaned and I pushed my tongue gently passes his lips. He gasped but kissed back, still hesitant, as if not so sure he should be doing this.

"Lace," he whispered as we came up for air. "God fucking knows I'm not asking you to stop, but are you sure…?"

I felt more reckless and confident than I ever had in my life. I pushed back on his shoulders, climbing on top of him.

"Shut up, asshole, and kiss me." He obeyed and oh, god, I finally understood what Logan meant when he said adrenaline high. Kendall's tongue pushed against mine. The hesitancy was gone and it was all eagerness. Jesus _Christ_, what is this boy doing to me?

He flipped us over and was running his hands up and down my sides as if hungry to feel every inch of me and I couldn't breathe. My hands were up under his shirt, pulling it over his head and then my fingers threaded into his hair and I scratched at his scalp as he nipped the skin at the base of my neck. Kendall's hands worked the shirt up and over my head. Fuck, his hands felt so good on me. I had goosebumps wherever his skin touched mine, but, God, no, it felt like a tattoo.

I ran my hands down his chest and stomach, making a mental note to never tease him about his workout habits again. He pulled off my lips, exhaling my name into my ear. I felt a rush of heat from the top of my head to the tips of my fingers and toes. He needed to say that again. "Lacey, shit," he said, rocking our hips together and with a shock wave I realized, fuck, this is really going to happen. And for the first time in my life, I didn't care. I didn't want to stop and I didn't feel guilty and oh my God. I pulled him closer to me, pressing every inch of us together I could. I hooked my fingers into the back of his jeans, pausing to enjoy his lips on my neck, the heat of his tongue and immediate stinging chill of his breath on my wet skin. I was just about to tug his pants down when—

"Oh. Fuck. Sorry." The voice came from the doorway and I froze. Kendall and I both looked over but Adrienne was already gone.


	5. Chapter 5

When Kendall looked at me, his eyes were huge. His eyebrows had nearly disappeared beneath his disheveled hairline. Without a word, he leaped off me and raced after Adrienne. I jumped up and, grabbing the v-neck, rushed out the door. I could hear Adrienne as soon as I hit the top of the stairs, hot on Kendall's heels.

"Don't worry, Carlos," she giggled. "I found her. She's in Kendall's bed."

_Shit!_ I thought as I shoved my arms in the sleeves. Kendall and I slid to a stop in the doorway as I struggled to get the shirt over my head.

Carlos stood there, mouth agape taking in the shirtless Kendall, his hair mussed and sticking out at odd angles, the starch marks on his chest, the way his jeans were riding low on his hips. His eyes traveled to me, and his mouth clenched shut. My hair was a rat's nest, Kendall's shirt hung crooked on my shoulders and I'm sure my face held the guiltiest expression known to mankind. I felt ashamed, my cheeks were on fire. Carlos was breathing heavily; his eyebrows hooded the molten brown of his eyes.

"Oh fuck," said Kendall. Adrienne wasn't smiling anymore. She was looking slowly between Carlos and Kendall. Her eyes flicked to me in a panicky plea for help.

"Oops," she squeaked. Maybe I shouldn't have said anyth—" With one last vicious glance at me that cut like I was drowning, screaming for air—my heart couldn't breathe—Carlos pushed passed her and stormed up the stairs. I flinched when I heard his door slam.

Adrienne's eyes shone with tears and her hands covered her mouth as if she could gather the words and shove them right back in. She looked at me with wide eyes.

"I-I'm so sorry, Lacey. I didn't know. I didn't mean to—I'm sorry." Tears dripped from her chin. I sighed and went over to her. Kendall collapsed on the couch, his face frozen in an 'oh fuck' expression. James appeared in the doorway and looked around. As he pieced together the situation, he straightened his back.

"Um, I'll take Adrienne home." He took her arm and pulled her gently away from me. "Uh, Lace…what happened to your wrists?" He glanced at Kendall and then back at me, raising his eyebrows.

"NO," I said. "I don't want to talk about it." I massaged my temples, my handover headache worsening from the stress of what had just transpired. I turned to Adrienne just before they left, smiling kindly at her. "Don't worry about it, hun. He would have found out sooner or later." She smiled at me wetly.

"Thanks, Lacey." And they were gone.

It would have been a lot easier if she hadn't, I thought, sinking down on the couch next to Kendall. I hadn't even thought about telling Carlos yet. I didn't even know what this fucking was.

"Fuck," Kendall repeated, deflating. "He's in love with you." I went limp and light-headed for a second as I stared at him.

"What the hell are you talking about?" I couldn't handle these feelings. The thought, the slim to none chance that Kendall might be right fucking scared the shit out of me. No. "He's just surprised." The hurt and angry look on Carlos' face as he stormed out flashed into my mind again, splintering my heart. "Confused. Scared." I wasn't sure if I was talking about Carlos or myself anymore.

"I need to go talk to him," I said, getting to my feet. Kendall caught my hand and pulled me back down. His eyebrows knitted together in concern. Not for Carlos, but for himself. He didn't have to say anything; I understood the question in his eyes.

"Hey," I said, touching his cheek. "It's not Carlos I kissed last night." I pushed the thought of the almost-kiss out of my mind. "It's not Carlos I nearly slept with this morning." His face flushed and I kissed him softly. Despite not knowing what this was…I was already dangerously devoted to Kendall.

When I reached Carlos' door, I took a deep breath before pushing it open. Carlos was lying in bed with his back towards the door. He craned his neck to see who it was. When his eyes met mine, they were dark and glassy. He turned away. I had never seen him like this. I was scared. I couldn't speak so I sank into the chair at his desk and said nothing for several minutes.

"Los," I pleaded.

"Go away." The contempt in his voice hurt more than anything. More than the feeling of abandonment last night, more than the look he'd hit me with earlier.

"You don't understand."

"Oh, don't I?" He sprung up and fixed me with a glare. The venom in his voice was fresh and potent as he said, "It's fine. Just go back to fucking my best friend." My mouth dropped open and my eyes stung. I couldn't believe him. I was shaking in anger.

"Fuck you, Carlos," I shot at him. His expression didn't change. "I guess you don't care that I was sexually assaulted last night." His face rearranged into an expression of shock. His eyebrows sagged at the corners with concern as he tried to interrupt me. "You were too busy doing some fucking of your own to even wait up for me. Fuck you so much, Carlos. At least Kendall fucking cares." I was pacing in front of him, tense with rage.

Carlos shook his head, looking at the ground. I could see him replaying my words frantically in his mind trying to make sense out of what I had just said.

"Yeah," I sneered before he could say anything. He reached out to take me in his arms. "Don't touch me," I spat, jerking away from him. Still quaking with rage, I thrust my bruised wrists into his face. "This is where he held me down." Carlos flinched, looking like he was going to be sick. I pulled my hair back and pointed to the marks on my neck. "No, Kendall didn't do that to me. Fucking Hunter took advantage of me and you don't even fucking care, Carlos!" I looked back at him. He was crying.

"Oh my God, Lacey." He reached out and I let him wrap me in his arms this time. His tears soaked my hair. "Oh God, Lace, of course I care. I love you so much." I remained silent, still angry, but too exhausted to fight anymore. He pulled back and locked me with an intense, searching gaze.

"Why didn't you call me?" Oh, fuck, this was the last thing I wanted to talk about. These feelings were not allowed.

"I don't know," I said.

"Fuck, Lacey. Don't lie to me."

"I…I didn't want to interrupt your date." Which was kind of true, though I hadn't thought about it till now. He raised his eyebrows but let it go, sensing he'd already pushed his luck enough today.

"I'm so sorry, Lacey," he said again. "I'm such a dick."

We sat there in silence for awhile. His hand moved across my back in slow circles.

"Nothing happened," I whispered.

"What?"

"Between me and Kendall." His eyes searched my face again. I hated feeling naked and exposed when he did that. "I mean, we kissed, but we didn't have sex." I didn't mention how close we'd come. I felt him relax—I hadn't even realized he'd been tense.

"It's not any of my business anyway," said Carlos. His air of nonchalance was believable until he continued. "You and Kendall…I hope you guys are happy. He's a great guy." Where was this stock dialogue coming from? Carlos didn't do stilted, he didn't do predictable. He was nothing if not original. It was my turn to search his face. I'd never been quite as good at reading him, as if his book was written in another language. In a last ditch effort to lighten the mood, he chucked.

"Looks like the Dirty Dos are at it again."


	6. Chapter 6

It'd been three months and I was happy with Kendall. I was happy with the way he always thought of me. I was happy with him sending me cute texts and leaving adorable messages when he knew I was stressing out about an exam. I was happy with the way he smiled at me from across the room while talking to someone else. It's the tiny smile he gives me before pressing his lips to mine. It's the way his thumb hooks into the top of my jeans when he puts his arm around my waist. It's the way his sweaty hair sticks to his brow as he comes in after a run. I loved being around him and with him and having him want me, need me, love me.

But there were times, after he'd drift off to sleep, his arm falling limply over my waist, when my brain wouldn't shut up. I'd lay awake for hours, trying to push Carlos from my mind. He'd been distant. He'd hesitate to touch me when before he would have seized my hand, my waist, my heart. He hardly ever hugged me anymore. I couldn't deal with it. I wanted to cry because I didn't know what the fuck to do. It was like he was walking on eggshells. But this wasn't what hurt the most. He was avoiding Kendall. It was nearly imperceptible, but I knew them both best. And I knew this wasn't normal. Carlos was perfectly cordial to Kendall at work, at home, but they'd never hang out alone like they used to. I'd catch Carlos glaring at him sometimes, when he thought no one was looking.

It scared me. I was confused and hurt. How was I supposed to reconcile my feelings for my boyfriend with the actions of my best friend? Kendall didn't seem to notice himself drifting away from his best friend. I felt like I had replaced Carlos in Kendall's life and I harbored intense guilt over it.

Sometimes, when I was kissing Kendall, I would subconsciously imagine kissing Carlos. The first time it happened, we were drunk on Malibu and Coke and Kendall wasn't wasting any time getting my clothes off. I was liquor-warm and my inhibitions were slim to none. We hadn't gotten this close to having sex since that first night. I pulled him into me, our fiery chests touching and his lips and tongue moving against mine in a hazy dance. My mind drifted to Carlos and I was so drunk I couldn't separate the body on top of me from the image in my head. Kendall was bucking against me and all I could think about was a shirtless Carlos and his body moving against mine. I pulled my hands across his back; it was too broad. I buried my fingers in his hair; it was too long. My muddled thoughts couldn't understand it.

"Car—"

Kendall interrupted me. "Lacey, baby."

Suddenly, I felt sick. I pushed him off me, and ran to the bathroom. This was so fucked up. I heaved into the toilet, coughing as the liquor stung twice as much on the way back up. I hadn't eaten since lunch. My stomach clenched again. Dry heaving pulled at my stomach and throat and my eyes started to water. My throat hurt, my head hurt, my heart hurt. I pushed back from the toilet, leaning my forehead against the cool tile of the wall. I thought about Carlos and another wave of nausea hit me. My stomach didn't seem to realize I had nothing left. I gagged over the toilet once more, wiped my mouth with toilet paper and flushed. I pulled my legs up and hugged my knees, burying my face in my lap. Sobs wracked my body. Why couldn't I stop this? Why couldn't I just be happy with Kendall? I was disgusted with myself. Frustrated tears poured down my face until I lost the strength to push them out.

I dragged myself up and leaned on the counter. I stared at my reflection in the mirror as if I was a stranger looking at someone else. My hair was mussed, hanging ragged and sweaty on my shoulders. My eye shadow was smeared against my temples, my mascara streaked my cheeks and chest. Against my bleach white face, my sunken, puffy, bloodshot eyes stood out in stark contrast. I viciously rubbed at my cheeks, scraping at the skin and taking a layer off. The angry red of the fresh, irritated skin comforted me in some strange way.

I didn't want to be me anymore. I wanted to go back to when we were all friends, when I didn't have to _think_ to be around Carlos. I missed Carlos' smile, his touch, his laugh, the one that started in his eyes and spread across his face until it rippled through his throat and raced throughout his entire body. I missed not feeling guilty. Kendall didn't deserve this. Not at all. He loved all of me. He gave me all of him. I wanted to give the same back to him but I just couldn't get passed these feelings, these thoughts about Carlos.

I wandered back into the bedroom. Kendall was sprawled on the bed on his back, mouth hanging open and snoring loudly. It was quite endearing, actually, in a drunken sort of way. But I felt dirty. Emotionally. I couldn't sleep with him tonight. It wouldn't be right. I dressed quickly, throwing on a sweatshirt before creeping downstairs and into the darkened living room.

Grabbing a blanket from the back of the recliner, I made my way over to the couch, careful to avoid the ottoman and coffee table in the darkness. I sat down—on someone. The person jumped up. I let out a squeal as I hit the floor. The purple of Carlos' favorite hoodie came into view as his blanket fell on top of me.

His face changed from surprised to concern. He pulled me up onto the couch next to him and hugged me close. I snuggled into him eagerly; this was the most physical contact we'd had in month. He seemed to realize what was happening far too soon. He pulled away, putting distance between us, and cleared his throat awkwardly. And, fuck, that was the last straw.

Covering my face in my hands, sobs tore themselves from my throat. Carlos hesitated. I cried even harder. When had it come to this? And then his arms were around me and his lips were pressed against my ear and he was murmuring words of comfort. God, I wanted to kiss him. No. Fuck. My boyfriend was passed out upstairs and…

"Adrienne kicked me out of bed," he whispered. The works went off like fireworks in my heart, but I pushed the feelings back. This wasn't as easy anymore. I clung to him.

"Oh," I said. His hands rubbed slow circles on my back. "Did you have a fight?"

"I don't want to talk about it." His voice was steely. My arms tightened around him.

"Kendall's passed out drunk." I was barely tipsy anymore, the alcohol all cried out.

"Why didn't you call me, Lacey?" I wasn't sure I heard him correctly. "That night. With Hunter. Why didn't you call me?" There was more emotion in his voice than I'd heard in the last three months combined.

"Okay," I said. "To be honest," I stopped, collecting myself. "I was really confused and unsure about what had happened the day before between us. And then Kendall was so…I don't know…it just happened. I didn't know what it was, but I really like him. I do." I said it as if Carlos wasn't the only one I had to convince. I might as well tell him everything. Everything except how his closeness made me nervous. And his familiar scent made me lightheaded. And how I kind of wanted to kiss him. A lot.

I shut my eyes and tried to think of Kendall instead. It didn't seem to work in reverse. My eyes snapped open and I tried to picture Kendall's green eyes instead of Carlos' flaming ember eyes that stared at me. They were getting closer. Fuck, fuck, fuck. And then his lips were on mine and I couldn't see Kendall anymore. I couldn't even remember what he looked like. Not at all. Everything was soft cappuccino skin and coal-black hair and, God, his tongue tasted like cinnamon and apples and, fuck, I was in love with him. Wholly and irrevocably. We parted and I was about to tell him so when he opened his mouth.

"See?" he said. "Nothing to worry about." He stood and left the room without looking back and that was the twist to the knife in my heart. I flinched as I heard the clink of keys together and the front door close.

My mouth hung open, my eyes stung. I blinked, trying to hold it back. I stared in the direction of the door, willing him to rush back in and take me in his arms, to kiss me and tell me he loved me—and only me. Wanting, wishing, hoping. And when he didn't, I discovered that there were more tears left. There would always be more tears when it came to Carlos. And I fell asleep with his blanket clutched in my hands and his name on my lips.


	7. Chapter 7

When I woke up the next morning, Carlos was in the kitchen making coffee. I entered the room slowly, feeling as if he was a volatile animal and any sudden moves would be dangerous. I could see the muscles of his shoulders move beneath his shirt and I wanted to reach out and touch him. I walked over to the counter where he was measuring coffee grounds into a filter and stood silently. I waited for him to acknowledge my presence but he didn't so much as glance at me as he turned on the coffee maker and made his way to the table, picking up the newspaper. And this was bullshit. He was ignoring me and he NEVER read the paper.

"Los, please," I said. He made no sign that he'd heard me. My heart felt out of breath. Somehow. If that's possible. It rolled around in my chest and then plummeted to my stomach when he still refused to look at me. And, dear God, I'd give anything, EVERYTHING for him to just glance at me, to see his smile again. I felt like something dead. He'd crushed me simply by doing nothing. I had no idea when I'd given him that power but I wanted it back right now.

Slowly, as I stared him down, my hurt turned to disgust and then to rage. Fine, asshole. This is just fine. I stormed off up the stairs to Kendall's room. This was going to happen. And this was going to happen right now, before I lost my nerve.

I entered the room and Kendall was still lying nearly naked on the bed. I took a deep breath and shed my outer layer of clothing. I made my way over to the bed, climbed on top of Kendall. I kissed him to wake him. His eyes opened slowly, growing wide as they took me in, straddling him in only my underwear. I leaned down and kissed him again, more slowly, more deeply.

"Make love to me, baby." Could he hear the trembling in my voice? I needed him not to ask questions. I needed him to just do it before I could remember all the reasons not to, the main one sitting at the kitchen table downstairs. I could tell he was about to ask, so I shut him up, shoving my hand into his boxers. He was already half hard and I wondered to myself if it was me or morning wood. Our tongues were fighting each other and I needed to be rough. I wasn't okay. I needed to feel something besides the aching in my heart. Kendall's hands found the clasp to my bra and he sent it to the floor. Before I could do anything else, Kendall had flipped us over. He pulled my hand from his boxers and removed them. He rubbed at the wet spot in my underwear and I groaned. Okay, so this was making it a lot easier to forget about Car—damn it. He looked down and me and I for a split second I was terrified that he knew, that he could read it on my face. But then he just grinned like a child being given cotton candy at the fair.

"I love you, Lacey," he said, his lips crashing into mine. Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, no. Shit. Oh, God. I couldn't do this to him. But, no, I needed this. He reached out to his nightstand and pulled out a condom. Sitting back, he rolled it on and leaned down, kissing just below my belly button, ghosting across to my hipbone. He hooked his fingers into my underwear and pulled them off.

Being completely naked in front of Kendall was terrifying. It hurt how my brain tried to stop me with a constant stream of oaths. _You're going to hurt yourself_, it said. But I didn't give a fuck right now. Because physically being laid bare in front of Kendall was infinitely better than baring all my emotions to Carlos. Kendall was staring down at me. The look in his eyes told me he was in love with me and I wanted to cry. Because I wasn't in love with him. Not in the same way. He opened his mouth.

"Don't ask me if I'm sure," I said. He snapped his mouth closed. "And don't you dare be gentle." Kendall leaned down and kissed me softly and again, I wanted to just curl up in a ball and die. This wasn't fair to him. He thought this meant that I was his. But I never was. Not really.

When he slammed into me, a shooting pain broke me apart, but I didn't cry out. I gritted my teeth and relaxed and soon the pain passed, and, oh, God, this was good. This was really good. Kendall was looking at me, gauging everything by the look on my face. But he couldn't tell that deep down all I wanted was Carlos in his position. Just then, I was brought back to the moment when a jolt of pleasure shot through my entire body.

"Oh," I gasped. It happened again. I closed my eyes. Kendall's lips were on mine and the angle change was delicious. I felt a knot of pleasure building behind my navel and all of a sudden I couldn't think about anything. At all. And it was beauty, clarity, and the best part was, I didn't feel the dull ache in my heart. But when I came back down, and Kendall was pulling out of me and I was left cold and naked and empty…my heart felt like it might jump out of my chest and pummel me to death.

Kendall leaned over and kissed me passionately again. And I wanted to die. I honestly did. Because here's this perfect, amazing man who just made love to me, who I literally just fucked over, who doesn't deserve this, and I'm sitting here like a selfish bitch still thinking about Carlos. What had I hoped would happen? That Kendall would literally fuck my feelings for Carlos away? I was so fucking stupid because, now that I thought about it, that's exactly what I thought. God, I would give anything to love Kendall the way that he loved me. Anything. I felt disgusting. I _was_ disgusting. I had to get away from Kendall. But no, he was telling me again that he loved me.

Before I knew what was happening, Kendall was pulling me into the shower, his face lit up to radiances I didn't even know existed. As the warm water poured down over us, I began to cry. Kendall didn't notice the difference because I was smiling up at him and kissing him. But, oh, God, when had I become such a good actress? Cleaning the sweat out of my hair and the sex off my body did nothing for the shitty quality of my character. We stepped out, toweled off and got dressed, and went downstairs for breakfast. It'd been long enough, I thought, that Carlos was probably out for his morning bike ride.

We walked into the kitchen hand in hand. Kendall was beaming and his happiness was contagious. I laughed along with him as he sang some made up song about scrambling eggs. Kendall went to the stove and I turned to go to the refrigerator and froze. The smile slipped from my face as I saw Carlos staring at me, shaking. His eyes bore holes through mine and if I hadn't wanted to die before, I did now.

He knew. He read it on my face. He looked over at Kendall, who was busy searching for the skillet, and then looked back at me, his eyes hard now, and cold. He got up and moved towards the door. As he reached me, he looked me right in the eyes and spat, "How could you?" It hit me like a poisoned arrow and I stumbled back. He stood his ground, his eyes boring into mine. There was a crack in one of his stony eyes and I saw hurt and disbelief mingled with disgust. It took all my strength to keep standing as he pushed passed me and out of the house.


	8. Chapter 8

"Kendall, I need to go home." My voice was steady but I felt like the building of my life was imploding. "I, uh, I just remembered I have a paper due this afternoon." The lie trickled from my tongue, fluid, and I just didn't care that somehow lying had become my best talent.

"Aww, baby, can't you stay for breakfast?"

"No!" I hadn't meant to be so harsh, and Kendall's face fell. Fuck. I walked over to him and ran the back of my hand along his cheek.

"Oh, babe, I'm sorry," I said, leaning up on my tip toes to kiss him. I hated myself. "I'm just really stressed out. This paper could be the difference between passing and failing." I was such a terrible, shitty human. I was literally the worse girlfriend he could ask for. And he didn't have a clue. I wanted to run into traffic, I silently prayed for an accident on the way home. I knew I was being morbid, but, Jesus Christ, I didn't know if I could be alone in my own head. I wasn't sure how to survive my own feelings.

We pulled up to my apartment building and I opened the car door. Before I could leave, Kendall put his hand on mine.

"Lacey." His smiling eyes made my heart flutter and then fall. His searching gaze came up short again. "You know I love you, right?"

"Yes." I did know. And that's what made this whole thing so damn complicated. He squeezed my hand before letting go and driving away. I ran up the path, and burst through the lobby door. I ran up the stairs and fiddled with my keys. Work, goddamn it. I was beginning to fall apart right there on the landing. Once I was finally inside, I slammed the door shut. Resting my forehead against it, I let myself fall over the edge. I cried, slowly at first, then picking up speed till I was rushing at the ground, on the floor, gasping for air. I pulled myself up, made my way to my room, changed into sweatpants and an oversized shirt and sat in bed, hugging my knees, trying to figure out what I could do to possibly get myself out of this mess.

This was all my fault. All of it. If I had just called Carlos that night instead of Kendall, all those fluffy feelings for Kendall would have meant nothing. But now I had feelings rolling around for both of them. Kendall was in love with me. And everything about him made me want to love him. He was actually the perfect boyfriend. And I thought everything was good, I really thought I loved him. Until Carlos went and kissed me, all apple cinnamon tongue and spicy hot lips. I didn't know that what I felt in that kiss was possible. I thought being with Kendall was the best. But if something beyond Kendall was possible, I didn't know how I could go back.

And what the fuck, he didn't deserve that. He didn't deserve to have someone who didn't love him just as much as he loved her. In my position, I thought of all the logical reasons to stay with Kendall. From my point of view, it made sense. But then I stepped back and looked at it as Kendall's friend and I felt like I was going to be sick. This man was perfect. He had so much love to give. And what did I think I was doing stealing all of that? And pretty soon, he was going to be a broken man. Why had I let him fall in love with me? Why, knowing how I felt about Carlos? Why? Another human is not a way to experiment/ Kendall should never have been my way to see if what I felt for Carlos would go away. I should never have used Kendall's love to see if it could cover Carlos'. Fuck everything.

In my exhaustion, I fell asleep, waking many hours later to an arm around my waist and warm, even breaths on my neck. I smiled. What a great boyfriend Kendall was. I looked down to find his hand so I could take it, and all of a sudden I couldn't breathe. A purple watch adorned the tan wrist. I was frozen, but now on fire everywhere our bodies touched.

My brain was going haywire. I couldn't move. I couldn't breathe. My heart seemed like it would either explode or be stuck beating a staccato rhythm for the rest of my life. Jesus Christ, I couldn't even function. And then his grip tightened on my waist and his lips were on my neck.

Shit. Shit. Shit. What was happening?

"I'm sorry," he said.

"W-what?"

"I'm sorry. For everything." I felt something wet coursing down my neck and rolled over. Carlos wiped his face quickly, but the tears didn't stop. I reached out a trembling hand and touched his cheek. He was warm and soft under the tears. I had never seen his eyes like this, a sea of loss and love. Before I could think, my lips were on his and, oh God, yes, this is what a kiss was supposed to feel like. I couldn't feel anything but his lips and his tongue and his hands on the back of my neck. The taste of his tears was exhilarating as he gasped for breath, crying harder. He pawed at me, pulling me to him, like I could never be close enough and I couldn't think, breathe, feel. Everything was Carlos. Everything. I pulled him closer. He was all but on top of me. I didn't care. "I'm sorry," he repeated as he kissed along my jawline. "I love you, I love you." The words ghosted their way along my neck, and into my ear. And I swear there was nothing else in the entire world but his voice, his lips, his hands, his body.

This was everything I wanted. This was _more_ than everything I wanted. But this was wrong, so wrong. What about Kendall?

"Stop." He froze. "I-I can't do this." His eyes searched me, reading the next chapter of my life before I'd even written it.

"Don't you love me?" He asked anyway, and my heart split open.

"Eventually we will come back to each other, but for now it's just not right." Carlos looked at me. He stared at me for a long time before extracting himself from me. I was cold, empty. I wanted to pull him back down into me. But he stood stiffly, looking at me one last time before leaving. I heard my front door close and squeezed my eyes shut. I couldn't have him. I couldn't. I'm lying again.


	9. Chapter 9

Weeks passed and Carlos hadn't said a word to me. I lived for the few seconds I'd see of him each day, the flash of a smile as he opened the door before it disappeared when he realized it was me, the glimpse I got of his back as he retreated to his room whenever I was over to see Kendall. The avoidance wasn't angry. He wasn't rude. There was no hint of malice in his eyes. Mostly, it was sad, this avoidance, but it was more than that. It was a coping mechanism. He knew he loved me too much to do this. He knew I loved him. He was waiting. Patience.

He didn't try to hide it. Everyone noticed but no one said anything. Logan and James exchanged an awkward look over their coffee one morning when I walked into the kitchen and Carlos, a laugh dying in his throat as he spotted me, abruptly got up and left.

Kendall chocked it up to Carlos' break up with Adrienne. He'd broken up with her the morning after our first kiss, the morning he'd ignored me, the morning he'd pushed me over the edge. Kendall didn't realize it was me Carlos was avoiding. It's just…if Carlos and I were together for too long…we'd end up hurting Kendall. We both knew it. Carlos made it very clear that he could never do to Kendall what I had done to him. He couldn't hurt his best friend like I'd hurt mine. As much as it stung being reminded of my mistake, it was necessary. I needed to know how much I'd fucked up. It was going to make my relationship with Carlos that much more worth it. Because I didn't deserve Carlos. At all. But he still loved me.

This avoidance was his way of showing me that he trusted me, that he was waiting for me. And, in a strange way, it made my heart happy. Waiting. For me….to break Kendall's heart. And that's where this whole thing came crashing down. This is where I fell apart. This is where I was a coward. I didn't want to hurt him. I'd spent minutes, hours, days trying to think of ways to minimize his pain. He was love drunk and I was trying to sort out a remedy for the hangover that was about to hit. I finally came to the realization that this train of hurt was coming and I had to pick a stop.

When I entered Kendall's room, he was at his keyboard, his guitar propped up on his thigh. His hair was slightly disheveled and there was a pencil behind one ear. He bit his lip as he played a melody on the keyboard, grabbed the pencil from behind his ear and scratched feverishly at the already heavily edited sheet music. A bittersweet smile pulled across my lips. I really did love him. Just not the way he needed me to. He glanced up and spotted me in the doorway. I tried to give him a smile, but it wasn't very convincing. Kendall came over and wrapped me in his arms, holding me longer than usual, placing a kiss to my forehead. I led him to the bed and sat cross-legged at its foot. I stared at my hands, hoping maybe they'd tell him for me, so I wouldn't have to look into his eyes. He didn't say a word, just stared at me, and when I my eyes met his, I could tell he was already broken.

"Kendall, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, but I can't do this anymore. You're the perfect boyfriend and everything you do makes me want to love you so bad." The tears had started. "I can't tell you how bad I wish this could work. And the thought that I'm hurting you at all kills me, Kendall, you have to believe me. God, I wish I knew how to love you." I pressed my hands to my mouth to stop the rambling. I had so much I wanted to say. I wanted him to understand that if things could be any other way and be right I'd choose him. I wanted to say all those things that never end up comforting the person hearing them but only the person saying them.

Kendall's shoulders were sagging, his hand hung limply at his sides. His eyes were dull, dead things, with not even a fraction of the brilliance they'd once owned. His face slumped. I'd never seen him look so small. And I wanted to take him in my arms and kiss his pain away. But, no, I was done making up for hurt with my body.

"I knew this was coming," he said. His voice was even, no hint of anger, just a tinge of sadness. "I've known it for awhile. I know you're in love with him." My face broke open in surprise. He shook his head, defeated. "I'm not stupid, Lacey. I can see the way you are around him, like if you get to close you'll lose yourself. I was just….trying to see how long I could keep you. Know that you're in love with someone else, don't you think that killed me? I've been cherishing every kiss, every touch. Because what if it was the last one? But which each passing minute, day, week, I thought to myself maybe I was winning, maybe you'd stay." I was crying harder now. "But you never could, could you? It was never me." For the hundred millionth time since I realized I was in love with Carlos, I wished I could be in love with Kendall instead.

He leaned in close to me, touching his forehead to mine, his eyes shining with tears and pleading with me silently. He squeezed them shut and the tears were like mirrors into our memories.

"Please." The desperation in his voice pierced my heart and I nodded. Slowly, he sealed out lips together one last time. All of his hurt and pain and hoping and wishing and loving coursed through his lips and the taste of our tears mingled together tasted like poison on my tongue. As we parted, he pursed his lips, pulling the bottom one inward as if savoring the taste of my mouth for the last time. And I had honestly never seen anything so tragic.

"Can you go?" he choked. "Please."

I got up and rushed from the room. I couldn't stand to see him like that. Making my way to the bathroom, I took deep breaths and washed my face. I stared at myself in the mirror, taking breaths in through my nose and out through my mouth until I thought I was okay. I ventured downstairs and into the living room. Carlos looked up from the book he was reading. He stood quickly, closing it, and made to leave. I caught his wrist, pulling him back to me. Thrusting my head into the crook of his neck, I inhaled deeply. I felt home. He stood stiffly but didn't try to pull away.

"It's over," I whispered, kissing his neck softly. He pulled back.

"Really?" He wasn't smiling.

"Yes, Los. Really." I leaned in to kiss him, and he pulled back and out of my grasp.

"Jesus fucking Christ, Lacey, how can you be so _blind_?"

"W-what?" I was frozen.

"How can you think we can just fucking do this? Just drop Kendall and pick me up? No. I waited for you, Lacey. But, God, let me tell you, it fucking hurt. Waiting. With every passing day, I wondered, 'Is this the day?'. But it never was. It's really great to see that you care about me so much. It took forever, Lacey. Why? Every day that you waited to end it, you killed another piece of Kendall and you lost another piece of me. I love you, Lacey, but I just can't do this right now. I miss you as a friend. I miss everything about you."

And with that, he walked out on me. Again.


	10. Chapter 10

I stayed in my apartment for days, only leaving for work and class. I didn't answer calls or texts. Carlos hadn't tried to contact me. I sat and stared into space a lot of the time. What else was I supposed to do? What else _could_ I do now that I'd ruined my relationship with my best friend?

I beat myself up about taking so long to break up with Kendall. I'd hurt him more than I cared to admit to myself. And Carlos had waited….and waited….and waited. I'd crushed him. Carlos' pride was not something he took lightly. And I'd taken it and stomped on it. And then when I'd picked it up, I'd spat on it. Now that I saw everything clearly, I knew why he'd blown up at me. I'd unintentionally played him for a fool. I'd never been so stupid in all my life. Something about Carlos just made me second guess every decision I'd ever made. He made me nervous. I was so afraid to lose him that I kept him at arm's length. I couldn't be hurt if he's not too close. And, fuck it, that was my mistake all along. Carlos had been reaching out for me and I'd been too scared to make a home for myself in those arms, that heart.

Pulling me out of my thoughts was a knock at the door. Collecting myself, I opened the door. Kendall stood there with his hands in his jeans pockets and his head bowed low. My lips parted slightly and tears sprang to my eyes. No. I couldn't do this. He looked up at me from under his eyelashes.

"Can I come in?"

I stood aside as he walked in and shut the door. He stood in the entryway and looked at me. I didn't move from my position by the door. I wrapped my arms around myself like armor for my already broken heart, as if doing so would keep me from completely falling apart.

"Lacey." His voice was weak. He stopped and cleared his throat. "God knows I don't want to be here right now." He paused as I took in a deep, trembling breath. He looked into my eyes. "But Carlos is a mess. A fucking disaster. He won't eat, he barely sleeps. He's been fucking up at work and the other night, he drank so much James was up with him half the night. He fell asleep insisting that James go get you. He wanted you, Lacey." I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to control my shaking. Slow, hot tears began falling down my cheeks. I didn't want to know this. I couldn't handle knowing any of this.

Suddenly, I felt Kendall's thumb rubbing a tear from my cheek. I hadn't even heard him approach. "He needs you, Lacey. He's not himself without you. We all miss him." He tilted my chin up so I was looking him straight in the eyes. "And we all miss you." He squeezed my arm and gave me a weak smile before walking passed me and out the door.

I didn't move for what seemed like years. Did I really do this to Carlos? My best friend? How had it come to this? I missed him so much. We hadn't been the same for months. I'd ignored it, blaming it on our relationships, but I'd been lying to myself. Again. I'd lied to myself about my feelings for Carlos, deluded myself about my feelings for Kendall and then took all of that and lied to myself about what was best for me and everyone around me. I'd fucked up. I'd been so fucking selfish. I saw it now. I'd also been scared. I didn't know of what. My fear had just made this whole thing turn to shit. I was getting really tired of fucking up. But I had a change to make this right. Or at least a step in that direction. I grabbed my keys and ran out the door.

Pulling up to the guys' house, I put the car in park. I stared at it out the passenger side window. I looked up at Carlos' window. The room was dark. I glanced in the rearview mirror, and ran a finger under both my eyes, wiping away the vestiges of my tears. I went up and knocked. Kendall opened the door and smiled, silently mouthing 'thank you' as I headed for the stairs.

I paused before entering Carlos' room. _Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry,_ I told myself. _At least not at first._

I pushed open the door. The room was cluttered. There were half empty water bottles everywhere. There were plates and pizza boxes and dirty clothes everywhere. This….this here….this was not Carlos. I could tell how much I'd fucked him up by how much clutter was in his room. In the fading light, it was difficult to see, but Carlos was curled up on his bed under the blankets. He was still and at first I thought he was sleeping. But he rolled over and looked at me as I approached. I pulled over his desk chair and sat facing the bed. He threw his legs over the side of the bed and faced me.

His expression betrayed no emotion. He sat stoic and sunken-eyed, eyeing me cautiously as if I could make a sudden move and cut him down. Which, I realized, I could. Just like I'd somehow given him the power to crush me by passivity that morning, he'd given me the same power. It's a funny thing how love can make us give ourselves away.

We sat there for a long time, just staring at one another. I didn't know where to start. "Los." He shivered, hearing his name on my lips for the first time in a long time. "I'm so fucking sorry. For everything. For lying to myself and for lying to you and to Kendall. And I was stupid. I was so incredibly stupid for denying my feelings. I was such a bitch for taking forever with Kendall. I'm sorry." Carlos shifted but said nothing.

"There's no excuse for me taking your heart and ripping it apart in so many ways, probably more ways than I know. And, Carlos, I will never forgive myself for hurting you. If I could, I would take all of that pain and put it on myself. Because, you're perfect, Los. You are. You couldn't have been a better friend to me all those years and when I realized I loved you, I was scared. I was afraid to lose something I hadn't even had. Carlos, I'm sorry. I understand if you don't want me. Or if you need some time, but I need you. I want to be with you. Because I love you. This whole damn thing made me realize just how much."

Carlos was looking at me with something inexpressible in his eyes. I wanted to badly to surge forward and crash my lips into his, but I needed to respect his space. I waited a little longer and then got up to leave. Pausing on my way to the door, I stood, my back towards him. "You should know that you're the something that I hold on to when I'm left with nothing."

Before I could move an inch, his hand closed around my wrist, I was whipping around and his lips were on mine. I couldn't breathe, think, feel or taste anything that wasn't Carlos. His hands were raking across my back one second and then tangled in my hair the next. His lips were at once greedy and loving. I could tell he'd been waiting to do this for weeks, months, maybe even years. I cupped his face, guiding his lips over mine and oh my God, this was right, this was so right.

"I love you, I love you, I love you," I murmured over and over and over into his lips.

"I love you," Carlos repeated back to me.

"I'm sorry, so sorry."

He pulled back and held my face so I was looking right at him. "Hey, stop apologizing." His lips grazed mine. "That's over, that's over." He kissed me full on the mouth before adding, "We'll make it to tomorrow, and passed the sorrow." And with that, I lost myself in his lips once again.


End file.
